letting go.

Letting go is the theme of the last two years of my life. It has been a process that requires me to continually dig deep in order to let out all the crappy stuff I have harbored for as long as I can remember. 

I come from a family that likes to hang onto things. My mother loves to hang onto endless grudges and all of her giant guilt from leaving me 24 years ago. She hoards her shame. The result for her is that she looks to all kinds of things to subdue and/or avoid those feelings. My father clings to his sadness and unresolved hurt from two divorces, both which caught him completely by surprise. He eats his feelings and is sick because of it. He learned this from my grandparents and his siblings are just like him, if not worse, with their sickness from obesity. 

For the last 10 years, I have been using the same inner pain coping tactics that my parents use and it made me sick, literally. I gained 100 pounds. I threw myself into my work and defiantly refused to take care of myself, all under the pretense of helping to make the world a better place. I held onto unhealthy relationships that only made my emotional health worse. I avoided talking about my financial debt from college which I did not finish. I avoided that and my big shame about that too. 

About 18 months ago, I started letting go. During the first year, I let go of 55 pounds and a 13 year old eating disorder. I am not done with this part, but I am learning to be gentle with myself and allow this last part to take time. Three months and 25 pounds into losing weight, I let go of salvaging an unhealthy and disrespectful relationship with my mother and, as a result, my entire family on her side. 

Eleven months ago, I let go of my self-image as a highly successful non-profit program director and professional feminist when I moved to Chicago and did not get another non-profit job. This part was harder than all the other stuff. Who am I if I'm not the "Director of blah blah blah"? Who am I if I'm not unhealthily immersed in my work for 80 hours every week? Who am I without my work-related anxiety dreams? Initially, I felt useless. Now, I am grateful. 

Today, I let go of a lot of STUFF. I have purged and purged and purged throughout my life. Usually I get rid of clothing. That's easy. Most of my wardrobe has been thrifted for as long as I can remember. If I get rid of my clothes, I can pretty much always afford to drop $30 on a whole new wardrobe. Today, I got rid of all of the paper I have been hanging onto to remind me of all of these identities I have been clinging to in order to avoid the big, scary, crappy feelings I have had about myself. I got rid of old training binders, folders from conferences, stuff to make crafts I will never make, clothes I will never wear but wish I could, articles and magazines that only take up space, and much, much more. 

IT FEELS SO GOOD. But I don't think I could have even thought about doing it if I hadn't spent the last two years getting to know myself again and re-learning a little self-love along the way. 

On another note, my porch garden is an ultimate source of happiness: